The Climax of Society

Martin is spreading manure. Aubrey and I are riding in the tractor with him. The ipod in playing through the speakers.

Martin: I think we've hit the climax of society. We're really at the peak. I can't imagine it will ever get any better than this. I mean, think we are riding in a tractor and listening to an ipod. It doesn't get much better than this.

Martin: Actually, the only way it could possibly get better is if I could get a screen with Springer or Maury playing. I mean what if I could spread manure and be like Oh no he didn't!

Goo Goo Dolls

 I have a lot of great stories/conversations from this concert so this post is probably just going to be a series of ridiculous conversations that took place throughout the evening. We went with a great crew of people. While there was a brief period of time when I was worried for the evening, Andrew and Kylie did not let us down. Because 6 really is a party and we couldn't have celebrated without them. Plus, it was Andrew's birthday week. Even more reason for celebration!

 Martin: I bet they're (Caton and Kylie) going to go into the bathroom together.
Me: No, I don't think they will
Martin: I'll bet you ten dollars.
Me: Well...I don't know if I want to bet on it.
Andrew/Mike: What are you talking about?
Martin: I bet they're going to go into the port-a-potty together.
Andrew/Mike: Oh, no they're not.

*Caton and Kylie proceed to enter the port-a-potty together*

*Martin leans back against the car in victory*

Andrew: Oh, man. You lost. You guys are married. That means you have to do him a sexual favor now.

Martin or Mike or Andrew: (my memory of who is a little hazy) Look at this d-bag in front of the port-a-potty. He's being a complete jackass.
Andrew: He's wearing basketball shorts. Basketball players, pheh, I could definitely take him.
D-bag in Basketball Shorts: Starts pounding on port-a-potty about 30 seconds after Kylie and Caton enter.
Martin: Hey! Why don't you go pee in the bushes like every other guy here and leave the bathroom for the girls
D-bag in Basketball Shorts: I did. I'm just waiting with my girlfriend
Mike: Well. Why don't you give those girls a little time. There's two of them in here.
D-bag in Basketball Shorts: (talks some sort of ridiculous and lame comeback)
Martin: (retorts with something that is neither ridiculous nor lame)
Mike: (taking the conversation to a whole new level) Why don't you come over here and we'll settle this.
D-bag in Basketball Shorts: I will come over there!
Andrew: Hey! Cool it, kid.

The situation fizzled shortly after this exchange but in replaying it over and over again throughout the course of the night, Mike's fighting attitude and Andrew's play it cool demeanor became more and more halarious. Although Andrew insists that, If something had happened I (andrew) would have had their back, he definitely didn't egg a fight on with the same enthusiasm exhibited by Martin and definitely Mike.

Martin: I'm driving a super secret way to get there. We're going to avoid all the traffic. We'll be there by 4:15, maybe even 4:12

Me: No, this is the dumb and long way to get there.

Andrew: Pass this car.

Caton: Did you just tell him to pass this car.

Martin: Of course! He's my co-pilot.

Andrew: Yeah. Exactly. We've got a 4:15 arrival time. I've got to help make that happen.

It's only fitting that the pilot and co-pilot went to pee in the bushes together, stood 15 feet apart so they didn't look too close and then had a conversation the entire time.

 

We were close to the oldest people at this concert. This became painfully obvious a number of times:

*A guy and three girls line up and use our table to set down their plastic shot glasses and fill them up, the kid notices Andrew's t-shirt*

Shot Kid: Hey, do you wrestle.
Andrew:  Yeah. Did you?
Shot Kid: Yeah. I did.
Andrew: Oh, did you ever wrestle Holley?
Shot Kid: Ummm. Yeah.
Andrew: How old are you? (At this point Andrew is kind of starting to pump himself up to meet someone that wrestled his school)
Shot Kid: Seventeen.
Andrew: Oh. I coached Holley when you wrestled them.

 
*waiting in line for the bathroom.*

Girl: Man. Guys have got it so easy. They get to pee in the bushes and we have to wait for this line.
Kylie and I: (completely egging her on) Yeah. This is terrible.
Girl: We have to sit down to pee. We have to wait in this line. We have to have babies. Guys got it so easy. We got it rough.
Kylie: She had a baby
Girl: You did??? See you know what it's like then. It's rough. We got it rough.
Me: (completely playing into this) Yeah! And HE knocked me up.
Girl: Yeah. You think you got it hard. Your girl over hear had a baby. She had to physically have a baby.
Martin: Hey. I'm being a father. I didn't run off. I'm supporting my baby.
Girl: Well maybe. But you didn't have to physcially push that baby out. I mean, I can't speak from experience because I've never had a baby, but you didn't have to actually have one!
Some young girl from out of nowhere: I just want to say I respect you so much for having a baby.
Me: (looking at her like she's insane) Thank you?
Some young girl from out of nowhere: I'm sorry. I'm intoxicated. But I just respect you so much for having the baby and not having an abortion.
Kylie: She's married. Why would she have an abortion.
Some young girl from out of nowhere: OH MY GOD. YOU'RE MARRIED?!

 *We look over and notice four girls peeing in the grass next to my car*

Kylie: Are you peeing???
Girl: Don't worry we didn't touch your car.
Kylie: So? Are you seriously peeing there. We have to walk there!
Girl: We just didn't want to wait in line. I'm sorry. We didn't touch your car. I know how it is. I have a car now and I'm, like, really protective of it.



*this occurred moments after arriving, before alcohol made dignity fly out the window and boys feel like peeing outside is completely acceptable*

Andrew: I hate waiting in line for the bathroom.
Martin: Why don't you just go pee in the bushes over there.
Andrew: I feel like its too early. I haven't had enough alcohol yet.
Martin: You're gonna go in there and then if there's any pee on the seat, every girl after you is going to blame it on you,

*a couple minutes later, Andrew exits port-a-potty*

Andrew: Martin, you got in my head. When I went in there the toilet was covered in pee. But there's a urinal right there. But I didn't want anyone to think that I peed all over the seat. Even though there's a urinal right there.......so I wiped up the seat.

Looking back on these conversations, it appears that we spent much of the night discussing or somehow involved in peeing. This might be true, but in our defense - alcohol tends to multiple those experiences and we were parked right next to the port-a-potty so the stories surrounding it were abound.

Calling My Womanhood Into Question

On Saturday, Aubrey and I were going for a walk and Martin was working hard spreading manure. It was about 11:45 AM and I got a call from my dad.

Dad: What time are you going to have lunch ready for Martin? I was going to take over for him so he can eat.

keep in mind that, up until the posing of the question, what I was going to feed Martin for lunch had not even begun to cross my mind. (I had gone to a Goo Goo Dolls Concert the night before and used Aubrey's morning naptime as an opportunity for me to also catch up on some beauty sleep) But, not wanting to sound like I had absolutely nothing planned I responded,

I'll be ready in about fifteen minutes.

Then I turned around and raced back to my apartment with Aubrey. Not only had I not even thought about feeding Martin a lunch, I was also pretty sure that we were seriously lacking in food supply in our apartment. But, I really did not want to call my womanhood into question in front of my dad and say that I wasn't planning on feeding him anything and that I figured he could handle one day without lunch or that if worse came to worst we could bum food off my mom. There was no way I was going to utter those words to my dad.

So, I stepped it up. 15 minutes later, Martin was walking into our apartment just as I was walking out with a basket of food to set up on the picnic table. Hotdogs. All the fixings (I even cut up onions to put on the hotdogs). A salad (and, no, that is not a bagged salad but actually lettuce that I cut up and mixed with vegetables ok just tomatoes and threw in a bag.). Little tortilla strips for the salad and dressing. Chips and Salsa. Plates. Food for Aubrey (peas, cheerios and a bottle). And a pepsi to wash it all down.

To say I was on my high horse after this quick recovery from feelings of womanhood lacking would be an understatement. But I was quickly brought down to earth when I started to put my hotdog together and realized I had forgotten a fork for the relish. For a split second I actually tried to figure out how to get the relish out without a fork, not wanting to admit defeat and step down off the very high platform I had put myself on, but then I realized that there was absolutely no way we would be able to eat the salad and contain any shred of dignity without getting forks. So I sashayed back upstairs and got two forks, knocked down a peg or two by my forgetfullness on the utensil issue, but still proud of myself just the same.